Ana Is Life

I'm not going to lie, I turned my back on Ana. Now, I fully regret it. Though I hope she welcomes me back into her arms with ease.

With my mom, family, boyfriend, everyone talking about how skinny I am (always adding "don't lose any more") I figured maybe it was time that I stopped. Now I realize how wrong I was. I can never go back to how life was before. And I'm glad. Since...forever, I was always adding on an occasional pound. those occasional pounds add up, very quickly by the way, and they got me to where I was and where I am now; feeling completely hideous, worthless, disgusting, a complete waste of space. Besides, what's this life without beauty?

Lately, I've been living life like a normal person. But I'm not a "normal" person. I'm an Ana girl. From now until the end. I need to not fight it. Not let other people's words affect my ways of thinking. I know what I want, too fucking bad if it's not what everyone else wants. I want to be 105. And I sure as hell will be.

Obviously by goal of 115 by the 27th is blown to hell. But hey, our failures only make our success more meaningful, no? Even if I am in the mid 20s, that's still better than I was before Ana. Ana is (without sounding too religious) my savior. I don't know where I would be without her. No, I do know where I'd be. Never wearing shorts, dresses, shirts that show my bare arms. I'd be in hell. Now, I'm back in hell. But I am more than desperate to escape this.

Ana, I am truly sorry. There's no doubt in my mind that this is my lifestyle and I can never go back on it. Never. Unless for some reason I stop caring about myself (which will never happen).

This full feeling is disgusting. More disgusting than purging (which I have been doing my fair share of lately). This feeling is the feeling of failure. Of disgust.

This is me. Ana and I are one. Forever and Always.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Take me back? I'm begging. I need to become thin. More than anything. I will die before I gain another fucking pound.

No more food. Food, without a doubt, is the enemy. My enemy. I hate it, I hate how it makes me feel. I am not doing this to myself anymore. I can't take this self hatred. I'm only beautiful when I'm hungry. I am more than prepared to live the rest of my life starving. I believe in salvation through starvation, it is true.

God, I can't even say the word "starvation" without feeling guilt. I'm not starving! I am more than full. Looks like I'm fasting until this feeling is gone. This horrid feeling. Salad, fruit, juice, diet coke, water. Water. Water. Back to 300 calories. Those were the good days weren't they?

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. I want to feel thin. I want to be thin. I will be thin.

FML

Sorry for the profanity, but seriously, fuck my life. Where the fuck did my motivation go?! I used to (back when I was on a total weight loss binge) only eat when it was socially necessary. NOW?! I eat when I'm completely alone! Wtf!?

God this sucks. Ana, where are you?! Help me through this. I feel like shit all the time and I can't seem to keep control.

It would help if there was someone who could help me pull through. Someone to keep me strong. But NO, I'M ALL ALONE! And it fucking sucks.

Where was my weakness today? Cake mix. A 10th of a packet is like 200 calories. WTF did I do to myself!

I need to see 115 by August 27.... I NEED this. Any suggestions on what to do for motivation? I don't want to hurt myself again. Though honestly I'd rather feel a knife to my wrist than my finger down my throat. Gagging myself over and over because I have absolutely no motivation right now....

What can I possibly do? I need help.

Let's see, maybe if I make a chick in a bikini my background for my phone.... and maybe a rubber band on my wrist (snap it every time I think of giving into food). I NEED to see 115... and now I only have 9 days.... and I probably gained a pound today....

Okay, I'm off food. The glorious empty feeling is gone. Replaced by the horrid bloat of food. Why the hell do I eat if it makes me feel this way? I feel completely ugly and fat. A complete cow. I want to lie in bed and just lie there until I waste away. Waste away to my dream of beauty. 105 may be the big picture, but right now, I'm focusing on 115 (in NINE days!). I can't be ugly for this.... I can't live another day in this hideous body. These fat thighs, huge gut, I don't know what to do!

No, I know what to do...STOP EATING YOU FAT COW! You want to be beautiful don't you?! You want to love yourself DON'T YOU!?

Get some respect for yourself and put down the food.

I've got an idea for weight loss and severe punishment for my latest sins; water. Just water for the next 9 days. If I can stick to it, I'll reach my goal. If not, I'm destined to be a fat chick for the rest of my life. You don't want to be fat for the rest of your life do you Haven? NO!

God I need a community. People that can help. People to motivate. People to tell me I'm a fat cow and I need to stop eating. Food sucks, stop loving it! Seriously, it lasts like five seconds, then you're just feeling like shit for the rest of the day.

Disaster

Ugh, let's hope I get back on the wagon soon. Tomorrow is another day, another opportunity for success (rather than my recent failure).

Let's also hope I never plateau again, at least not until I'm at my comfy weight of 105.

The scale is the most brutal judge ever. More than anything and anyone. It tells it as it is and isn't afraid to make you cry and completely hate yourself and everything you are. 125. That's the damage. 5 pounds. Damn. How the hell do you even gain that in a matter of two days?

But it's okay, I was losing 2 pounds a day when I dieted perfectly, no? I'll have the weight off in no time. Current goal: 115 by August 27. That's ten pounds in about ten days. All I need to do is be perfect. If I cheat, cheat with a large salad.

On another note, I think I'm going to stop calorie counting. It was always too much pressure. Maybe if I feel like I can eat (aka juice, milk, fruit) all I want, then I'll have more luck not completely blowing it. Besides, 500-600 calories a day truly isn't bad. Hopefully I still get my level of weight loss though. If not, I can always go back to counting my usual 300 calories, as miserable as it was.

115 by August 27. It's engraved in my mind, exactly as it should be. This one simple goal. If I can do this, I can do anything.

Haven, when you get the urge to cheat, look down at your wrist. You declared your alliance to Ana, the perfect lifestyle of a perfect body. Don't misplace your loyalties.

No to food, yes to thin. You must become thin.

Fail Fail Fail!

Ugh!! I don't think I even want to go into detail about the past two days. Long story short, I went from 120 to 121 (weight taken yesterday morning and this morning). Obvious to say I am not very happy with the one pound gain.

Though I know exactly how it happened. Food happened. The ultimate enemy. I don't know where I got the bright idea that I can eat whatever I want as long as I puke it out. I know (in the back of my mind) that I NEVER end up getting it all up! Yet what do I do? I eat like a cow then torture myself with half hour purging which always end the same way; me ending up with a major headache and a numb finger that won't move another inch.

Where did my motivation go? I know. I lose control, then once it's lost, it's LOST! One day of purging (family dinner) and suddenly I think food is okay. Well you know what Haven dear, IT DAMN WELL ISN'T!

Even today, I woke up thinking "you know you've gained a pound so today better be a good day." Yet as soon as I get up, I treat myself to a bowl of ice cream and cereal. AH! Listen to the voice in your head saying "don't do it." You know you'll just end up regretting it!

Well no more! I'm done with purging (except under necessity of course).

What really kills me is that I was on such a good streak, losing two pounds a day. One day of failure and it all goes down the drain.

But no more. I promise.

Gaining and purging causes too much pain, physical and mental.

Lose = Life, Gain = Death


*****************************************************************

Calories:

• Breakfast: PURGED! stick of gum = 4 calories

• Lunch: 1 cup strawberries = 49 calories, 1/2 cup watermelon = 23 calories, 5 grapes = 17 calories, .3 cup pineapple = 19 calories

• Dinner: 20 grapes = 68 calories, 2 tomatos = 70 calories

Total: 250

Be good and stop relying on purging damn it.

Getting Back In The Game

The last time I had anything a psychologist would label "an eating disorder" was in middle school. That awkward phase. I lost a good 15 pounds one summer through a mixture of bulimia, anorexia and something I'd like to call "busyness." Since then, I've been living life completely hating who I was and what I looked like. Until now.

I'm more than determined to get back into the mindset I had that summer. Only better. Purging is never a good experience. Any ana girl will say the same, that puking is only a last resort. No food is worth the gagging, the headache, the awful taste in your mouth, and definitely not worth that feeling that you're going to get caught. That feeling that someone hears you and is more than ready to send you straight to a psych ward.

Anorexia has a very bad rep. Even I would agree that it is sometimes taken too far. Bones are beautiful, but once it extends past seeing the gorgeous hip bones, defining colar bone, and few delectable ribs, it begins to look sick. I don't believe one should live off of a glass of water a day. But don't get me wrong, the anorexic lifestyle is one I crave desperately.

The past, oh say, 2-3 months, I have reverted back to this glorious way of life. Living with only 15 to 20 grapes, limitless water and black coffee, occasional glass of juice; this is the only way I see myself truly living. I agree with this more than anything; "I am only beautiful when I'm hungry."

For some reason, the past 3 days have been hell, fighting with myself every moment of the day, deciding to eat, then forcing myself to purge (only finding it harder and harder each time, now nearing on impossible). How can I live the life I lived? Back to the ways I'm growing so desperate to remember, to love, and to manage. How can I live the life of a successful anorexic?

Seeing as the past few days have been all but successful, I can hope that tomorrow will be better. I will do better than hope. I will achieve.

Wrist bleeding from the torment of my failure, we shall see how tomorrow unfolds.