Back In The Lower 20s

Thank Ana these last few days have been good.

Yesterday turned out better than I had expected. I was actually really low on calories (only had 121 calories) all because I stuck to my plan. Salad! I need to not go that low again though. I woke up this morning feeling like shit! I thought I was going to pass out (obviously I didn't).

I decided to over shoot my calories today though because I'm used to blacking out, but not blacking out for more than 5 seconds.

Calories aside, today was a very good day. Not to mention I found almond milk that was 40 calories a cup rather than 60. Every calorie counts.

I think this whole thing will get easier once I'm more occupied. Right now, sitting around the house (under the watchful eye of my family), it's really difficult to manage not eating real meals. Tonight, again, pretending to sleep. Stupid dinner. Once I'm out of here though and in school, it'll be super easy. I'll be busy with my studies and the meal plan I got only covers 12 meals a week (but the campus offers stuff like fruits and vegetables luckily) and other than that I can just drink my juice and go on about my pro ana ways.

I can't wait to get out of here. So sick of the family mentioning how skinny I am (which is still far from skinny) and talking about how they never see me eat.

I'm going someplace where no one cares if you eat or not! Which is great because I'm planning on reaching my goal and maintaining for the rest of my life. I'm really looking forward to when I can just maintain. Then I can up my calories and maybe eat REAL food (not juice, milk, or fruit) once every week or so. I'm looking forward to that freedom, though I'm totally prepared to fast if I gain so much as a pound. I'm not going back to where I was (and still am); a fat cow.

************************************************************

Calories:

• Breakfast: 5 grapes = 17 calories, 1 1/2 cup Silk almond milk = 90 calories, 1 cup watermelon = 46 calories.

• Lunch: 1 cup watermelon = 46 calories, 1 cup Simply Orange = 110 calories

• Dinner: 1 cup strawberries = 49 calories

• Snacks: 1 cup Blue Diamond almond milk = 40 calories

Total: 398

Damn I ate a lot. I need to get back to only 300 calories tomorrow. I hope I still lost weight (I've been losing 2 every good day).

One Day Closer (to thin)

Today was a perfect day. Surrounded by temptation but I stayed strong. I'm going to remain strong.

Hopefully, since I did the whole metabolism-boost thing, I lose two pounds today (since it was absolutely perfect). Hopefully I'm a step closer to what I want to be.

My doodad. Sort of like keeping a rosary with you.

The scale almost killed me today. 126. That's 6 pounds over what I was. It doesn't help that where I was was no where near what I wanted to be. Now I'm even further from my goal. At least I'm guilt free today. I just kept my mind on my diet and flashed Ana quotes over and over in my mind.

Eat Less, Weigh Less


That's what has been on my mind a lot. Keeping my eyes on the prize. The ultimate prize. Thin. Perfection.

Let's see, 126. That means I have (not counting today) 8 days to lose 11 pounds. If I stay completely perfect, 11 pounds is perfectly attainable. I just need to focus and stay focused. Food is the enemy, remember that.

I honestly don't get how I fail so awesome. Food tastes great, but the quote really is true. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. So why do I constantly fail? I know why, I lose focus on what I really want, more than ice cream, more than cake, more than chips. I want to be thin. And I will be. Every day is a new day, and I'm focused on making every day a Good Day. A perfect day.

Tomorrow is going to be difficult. Beach trip with people. Someone (I know who too) will take notice to the fact that I don't eat. But it's okay, I've got this. Game Plan: eat salad, just salad. Salad (when necessary) and nothing else but water. I know I can do this. I need to do this. If not, I'll just be fat forever. Look at those thighs Haven.

Fuck food. The scale is everything.

*****************************************************************

Calories:

• Lunch: 10 grapes = 34 calories, 2 cup almond milk = 120 calories

• Dinner: 1 cup Simply Orange = 110 calories, 5 grapes = 17 calories

Total: 281

Excellent. 

Success

Wow. This morning the scale said "120." Amazing. Ana, I love you.

What else do I love? This motivation!! I turned down ice cream. One of my favorite things ever (not to mention the easiest to puke up). I found myself saying in my mind "It's okay Haven. One bowl. You've been doing well haven't you? Besides, you know it'll all come up." But, surprisingly, I turned it down. I managed to listen to the sensible me. "Don't do anything today that you'll regret tomorrow."

Though I do have a deal with myself. If I can continue this good note past tomorrow (I'm going out so it'll be a challenge) then I can treat myself to a hearty bowl of ice cream. Gotta live a little, right? Besides, it is the easiest thing to vomit (plus it still tastes pretty good if you purge soon enough).

Each day is a step towards perfection

Motivation. Turning your hunger off for the greater good. For thin. Thin. The thing I truly crave, even more than ice cream.

Unfortunately, even with the decent weight loss, I don't feel any better about myself. It'll just take a few more pounds I guess. 15 pounds to be exact. Then I'll stop. I'll simply maintain.

Maintenance. I still don't know exactly how to go about that when I'm content with myself. Do weight loss pills speed up your metabolism? Because we all know about that stupid "starvation mode" your body goes into after not eating. I just need a way to speed up my metabolism...

Maybe I'll just eat a healthy, nutritious meal once every day. Every other day at first. Then, if I gain a pound, I'll just have to be perfectly good again. But hey, that's 15 pounds from now.

15 pounds. I remember when my goal was 135. Then 120. Of course, those were simply my stepping-stone goals. Each leading to my main goal. Perfection. Then again I'm only assuming perfection is at 105. No way in hell am I going any lower. Then I'll know Ana dear is messing with my mind, constantly morphing the reflection in the mirror.

*****************************************************************
Calories:

• Lunch: 1/2 cup watermelon = 23 calories, 1/2 cup pineapple = 37, 1 cup strawberries = 49 calories, 5 grapes = 17 calories

• Snacks: Trident gum = 4 calories

• Dinner: 20 oz bottle diet Dr. Pepper = 0 calories, 1/2 cup watermelon = 23 calories, 1/2 cup pineapple = 37, 1 cup strawberries = 49 calories, 5 grapes = 17 calories

Total: 256

Not bad. Honestly, should be eating your full 300. Dizziness is not fun. 

Hey Ana, It's Me, Haven

Today was a good day.

That empty feeling is coming back. That amazingly empty feeling. I still feel the bloat of my recent failures, but that feeling of hollowness is so damn satisfying. The feeling that I am, and will forever be, an ana girl.

Surprisingly, the day wasn't torture. The first day is always my worse. After that, it's like "you've come this far, why quit now?"

The key to success? Keeping busy. Although the majority of my mind was set on success, on fulfilling my lifelong dream to be thin, on finally considering myself one of those skinny girls, I also stayed focused on keeping myself occupied. This however is proving to be a difficult task. It is summer. As a student, summer means long lasting days of boredom. There are ways around it though.

• Cleaning
• Bathing
• Napping
• Tanning
• Reading
• Crafting

These seem to be my favorites. It would be amazing to add "hanging out with friends" to that list, but you never really notice how food focused our lives are until you stop eating, especially when you live in a small town. Thank God for Starbucks. Nothing beats a chat with a friend along side a black coffee or iced green tea (unsweetened of course). 

But there lies another problem. One ana rule is that your mind should always be on your diet. This is a rule I hold very dear but very subconsciously. I don't want my mind to be constantly pondering my daily calories, flashing pro-ana quotes, or contemplating the life of a skinny bitch, yet that is all I can think about. All I want to think about really. But who is there to talk to? It's no secret that most people find "not eating" as a psychological issue that needs to be dealt with rather than praised or desired. When you're searching for a topic of discussion, you often say what's on your mind, no? There lies the problem. No one (at least no true person I can go chat up Starbucks with) understands what I want and that I'm willing to sacrifice to achieve it. 

Maybe once I reach my goal, once I'm set on maintaining rather than losing, maybe it'll be easier to think of something else. For now, however, there is nothing I care more about than becoming who I crave so desperately to be. 

Hopefully my newly found motivation will keep me on the fast track to perfection. 

*********************************************************

Notes: 

• Stay busy
• Frequent pro-ana blogs and websites
• Think "every time you say 'no' to food, you say 'yes' to thin"
• Victoria's Secret models = inspiration

Calories:

• Breakfast: Fruit Salad (1/2 cup watermelon and pineapple, 5 grapes) = 69 calories
• Lunch: who needs 3 meals?!
• Dinner: 30 green grapes = 102 calories, 1/2 cup Naked Acai juice = 80 calories, 1 cup black coffee = 2 calories

Total: 253 

Not bad but I still feel like that's too much. Cut back on the grapes dear.