Battle Against The Scale

Not eating is easy. Coping with the empty feeling is easy. Pretending that you aren't constantly tempted by food is easy. What's not easy? Waiting for the scale to tell you what you oh so desperately want to hear. 

The most I can lose with my diet is a pound a day, which is definitely not something to complain about. But right now, standing at 125 pounds, 20 pounds away from my goal, is difficult to bear. Keep your eyes on the prize, right? The hard thing is, even if I continue my diet perfectly, 20 pounds is still approximately 20 days away. 

Maybe I'm being impatient. Most people would kill to lose a pound a day. I, however, step on the scale each morning (now that me and Ana are close friends again) hoping to see "105." Obviously that's impossible, seeing that losing 20 pounds in one day is ridiculous (without the help of a doctor of course). But it's what I want. 

Oh well. As long as I don't gain, right? On a positive note, 125 is far less than a weight nearing 160 which I was at. 

Life with Ana is a love hate relationship. Scale vs. Me vs. Emptiness. 

The emptiness however has two meanings. The positive one is where your stomach is empty and sucked up. That's the feeling I love. The feeling that makes me feel beautiful. The other meaning is the emptiness I feel when I can't go to dinner with my friends, eat with my family, enjoy a bowl of popcorn for movie night. That's the emptiness that tears me to pieces. Today, I had to "nap" during dinner. Purging is not something I wanted to do when I'm already suffering a terrible headache. Also, the emptiness I feel craving the compassion and understanding (and preferably praise for the lifestyle) I need from another human being. Family? Friends? They don't understand. I know I have a problem, but it's a problem I'm rather fond of, not one I wish a psychiatrist to "treat" me for. 

The life of an Ana girl is glamorous though. Everyone telling you "look how skinny you've gotten," "How do you do it?!" as you play coy and pretend you've just been exercising regularly. However, losing some weight means nothing when you started as a complete cow. Now I'm just a lesser cow I guess. 

The weird thing about this lifestyle, I've noticed I don't really get hungry. Not the typical stomach-growling hungry at least. Hunger truly is something you can turn off. The only time I feel hungry, I've noticed, is when I just crave food. But "a craving is only a feeling," a feeling which I will not give into until my goals are reached. 

*********************************************************

Calories:

• Lunch: 10 grapes = 34 calories, 1 cup watermelon = 46 calories, 1 cup coffee = 2 calories
• Snacks: unsweetened tea = 0 calories, 1 cup strawberry halves = 49
• Dinner: 5 grapes = 17 calories, 1 cup strawberry halves = 49 calories, 1/2 cup watermelon = 23 calories, 1 tsp. Tajin clasico seasoning = 4 calories 

Total: 224 

Not bad I guess. As long as it's under 300. 

Hey Ana, It's Me, Haven

Today was a good day.

That empty feeling is coming back. That amazingly empty feeling. I still feel the bloat of my recent failures, but that feeling of hollowness is so damn satisfying. The feeling that I am, and will forever be, an ana girl.

Surprisingly, the day wasn't torture. The first day is always my worse. After that, it's like "you've come this far, why quit now?"

The key to success? Keeping busy. Although the majority of my mind was set on success, on fulfilling my lifelong dream to be thin, on finally considering myself one of those skinny girls, I also stayed focused on keeping myself occupied. This however is proving to be a difficult task. It is summer. As a student, summer means long lasting days of boredom. There are ways around it though.

• Cleaning
• Bathing
• Napping
• Tanning
• Reading
• Crafting

These seem to be my favorites. It would be amazing to add "hanging out with friends" to that list, but you never really notice how food focused our lives are until you stop eating, especially when you live in a small town. Thank God for Starbucks. Nothing beats a chat with a friend along side a black coffee or iced green tea (unsweetened of course). 

But there lies another problem. One ana rule is that your mind should always be on your diet. This is a rule I hold very dear but very subconsciously. I don't want my mind to be constantly pondering my daily calories, flashing pro-ana quotes, or contemplating the life of a skinny bitch, yet that is all I can think about. All I want to think about really. But who is there to talk to? It's no secret that most people find "not eating" as a psychological issue that needs to be dealt with rather than praised or desired. When you're searching for a topic of discussion, you often say what's on your mind, no? There lies the problem. No one (at least no true person I can go chat up Starbucks with) understands what I want and that I'm willing to sacrifice to achieve it. 

Maybe once I reach my goal, once I'm set on maintaining rather than losing, maybe it'll be easier to think of something else. For now, however, there is nothing I care more about than becoming who I crave so desperately to be. 

Hopefully my newly found motivation will keep me on the fast track to perfection. 

*********************************************************

Notes: 

• Stay busy
• Frequent pro-ana blogs and websites
• Think "every time you say 'no' to food, you say 'yes' to thin"
• Victoria's Secret models = inspiration

Calories:

• Breakfast: Fruit Salad (1/2 cup watermelon and pineapple, 5 grapes) = 69 calories
• Lunch: who needs 3 meals?!
• Dinner: 30 green grapes = 102 calories, 1/2 cup Naked Acai juice = 80 calories, 1 cup black coffee = 2 calories

Total: 253 

Not bad but I still feel like that's too much. Cut back on the grapes dear.