Disaster

Ugh, let's hope I get back on the wagon soon. Tomorrow is another day, another opportunity for success (rather than my recent failure).

Let's also hope I never plateau again, at least not until I'm at my comfy weight of 105.

The scale is the most brutal judge ever. More than anything and anyone. It tells it as it is and isn't afraid to make you cry and completely hate yourself and everything you are. 125. That's the damage. 5 pounds. Damn. How the hell do you even gain that in a matter of two days?

But it's okay, I was losing 2 pounds a day when I dieted perfectly, no? I'll have the weight off in no time. Current goal: 115 by August 27. That's ten pounds in about ten days. All I need to do is be perfect. If I cheat, cheat with a large salad.

On another note, I think I'm going to stop calorie counting. It was always too much pressure. Maybe if I feel like I can eat (aka juice, milk, fruit) all I want, then I'll have more luck not completely blowing it. Besides, 500-600 calories a day truly isn't bad. Hopefully I still get my level of weight loss though. If not, I can always go back to counting my usual 300 calories, as miserable as it was.

115 by August 27. It's engraved in my mind, exactly as it should be. This one simple goal. If I can do this, I can do anything.

Haven, when you get the urge to cheat, look down at your wrist. You declared your alliance to Ana, the perfect lifestyle of a perfect body. Don't misplace your loyalties.

No to food, yes to thin. You must become thin.

Plateau?

The worse thing about changing your lifestyle: when the "change" becomes "normal" and stops working. I went three days, perfectly perfect (as far as diet is concerned) and didn't lose a pound.

I figured I had plateaued.

Off to Google I was. One way to fix a plateau was to eat only fruits and vegetables because they keep the digestive system running on fewer calories. Bad thing was, that's what I've been doing. I guess that's how I lost a good 40 pounds without hitting this problem. Another suggestion was to eat normally (1200 to 1500 calories).

The only problem with this was that, even though you know you have to do it, the guilt still gets to you. Not to mention the fact that your stomach isn't used to food like it used to be. What was supposed to be a one-day speed bump turned into a two-day disaster. Day one, I ate normally, but unwillingly vomited most of it out. My stomach was torn apart. I figured that didn't count as a normal day.

Day two went a LOT better, though I think I skipped dinner out of habit.

The past two days, I've been sticking to my usual diet of 300 calories a day.

Even though I've been good, I'm terrified to look at the scale. I don't want to know the damage those two days did. After the days, weeks of dieting, I'm not about to find out exactly how many days were wasted. Maybe tomorrow I'll look at the scale.... Maybe not. Maybe the next day.

On the plus side, I made my bracelet. Stay focused, stay strong.

STAY STRONG, STARVE ON

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Calories:

• Lunch: 2 cups almond milk = 120 calories, 5 grapes = 17 calories

• Dinner: 1 cup Acai juice = 100 calories, 15 grapes = 51

Total: 288

Too Skinny??

Ironic. Right after I write a blog saying that I can only lose a pound a day with Ana, I get on the scale in the morning and it says "122." Definitely not complaining, but I just thought it was funny. I guess my body knows I'm sick of being fat and will put it through hell to get what I want. I know I'm going to be sad in the morning though when the scale gives me the bad news.

I had to purge today.

I hate vomiting. Worse feeling ever. Luckily, soon I'll be moving out, moving where no one cares if you eat dinner or not. Can't wait to control my life (and more importantly, my eating habits).

This is NOT hot

Family Dinner = My Worse Enemy

Not to mention, my mom called me "too skinny" today and gave me the you-better-not-be-doing-anything-weird-to-get-skinny talk. It was hard to look her in the eyes and tell her that I don't have a problem.

That's what it is, isn't it? A problem? But it's a problem I am in no hurry to get rid of. It's a problem that makes me happy. I can't remember the last time I felt this good about myself (not counting today, even though I'm sure I got most of food out). I was 138 in middle school, almost 160 earlier this year. Now, I'm 122! And who do I have to thank? The one and only Ana. If it wasn't for her, I'd still be hating who I was.

Yes, I am different than most anorexics. I don't look in the mirror and see a fat cow. I see a relatively slim girl. I just know I could be better. I still have meat on my thighs and a line below my belly button (the dreaded "gut"). And I know what "too skinny" is. I'm no dummy. I love my bones, but no way would I make it so I have absolutely NO breasts or hips and have every rib protruding from my withering body.

I'm not insane. I just know perfection.

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Calories:

• Lunch: 1/2 cup watermelon = 23 calories, 1/2 cup strawberries = 24 calories
• Snacks: 1 cup nonfat milk = 86 calories, 20 grapes = 68 calories
• Dinner: Purged

Total: 201

Who knows how much I left in my stomach (even though my finger was down my throat for half an hour). We'll see how well Mia works for me when I step on the scale tomorrow morning.... 

Battle Against The Scale

Not eating is easy. Coping with the empty feeling is easy. Pretending that you aren't constantly tempted by food is easy. What's not easy? Waiting for the scale to tell you what you oh so desperately want to hear. 

The most I can lose with my diet is a pound a day, which is definitely not something to complain about. But right now, standing at 125 pounds, 20 pounds away from my goal, is difficult to bear. Keep your eyes on the prize, right? The hard thing is, even if I continue my diet perfectly, 20 pounds is still approximately 20 days away. 

Maybe I'm being impatient. Most people would kill to lose a pound a day. I, however, step on the scale each morning (now that me and Ana are close friends again) hoping to see "105." Obviously that's impossible, seeing that losing 20 pounds in one day is ridiculous (without the help of a doctor of course). But it's what I want. 

Oh well. As long as I don't gain, right? On a positive note, 125 is far less than a weight nearing 160 which I was at. 

Life with Ana is a love hate relationship. Scale vs. Me vs. Emptiness. 

The emptiness however has two meanings. The positive one is where your stomach is empty and sucked up. That's the feeling I love. The feeling that makes me feel beautiful. The other meaning is the emptiness I feel when I can't go to dinner with my friends, eat with my family, enjoy a bowl of popcorn for movie night. That's the emptiness that tears me to pieces. Today, I had to "nap" during dinner. Purging is not something I wanted to do when I'm already suffering a terrible headache. Also, the emptiness I feel craving the compassion and understanding (and preferably praise for the lifestyle) I need from another human being. Family? Friends? They don't understand. I know I have a problem, but it's a problem I'm rather fond of, not one I wish a psychiatrist to "treat" me for. 

The life of an Ana girl is glamorous though. Everyone telling you "look how skinny you've gotten," "How do you do it?!" as you play coy and pretend you've just been exercising regularly. However, losing some weight means nothing when you started as a complete cow. Now I'm just a lesser cow I guess. 

The weird thing about this lifestyle, I've noticed I don't really get hungry. Not the typical stomach-growling hungry at least. Hunger truly is something you can turn off. The only time I feel hungry, I've noticed, is when I just crave food. But "a craving is only a feeling," a feeling which I will not give into until my goals are reached. 

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Calories:

• Lunch: 10 grapes = 34 calories, 1 cup watermelon = 46 calories, 1 cup coffee = 2 calories
• Snacks: unsweetened tea = 0 calories, 1 cup strawberry halves = 49
• Dinner: 5 grapes = 17 calories, 1 cup strawberry halves = 49 calories, 1/2 cup watermelon = 23 calories, 1 tsp. Tajin clasico seasoning = 4 calories 

Total: 224 

Not bad I guess. As long as it's under 300.