Battle Against The Scale

Not eating is easy. Coping with the empty feeling is easy. Pretending that you aren't constantly tempted by food is easy. What's not easy? Waiting for the scale to tell you what you oh so desperately want to hear. 

The most I can lose with my diet is a pound a day, which is definitely not something to complain about. But right now, standing at 125 pounds, 20 pounds away from my goal, is difficult to bear. Keep your eyes on the prize, right? The hard thing is, even if I continue my diet perfectly, 20 pounds is still approximately 20 days away. 

Maybe I'm being impatient. Most people would kill to lose a pound a day. I, however, step on the scale each morning (now that me and Ana are close friends again) hoping to see "105." Obviously that's impossible, seeing that losing 20 pounds in one day is ridiculous (without the help of a doctor of course). But it's what I want. 

Oh well. As long as I don't gain, right? On a positive note, 125 is far less than a weight nearing 160 which I was at. 

Life with Ana is a love hate relationship. Scale vs. Me vs. Emptiness. 

The emptiness however has two meanings. The positive one is where your stomach is empty and sucked up. That's the feeling I love. The feeling that makes me feel beautiful. The other meaning is the emptiness I feel when I can't go to dinner with my friends, eat with my family, enjoy a bowl of popcorn for movie night. That's the emptiness that tears me to pieces. Today, I had to "nap" during dinner. Purging is not something I wanted to do when I'm already suffering a terrible headache. Also, the emptiness I feel craving the compassion and understanding (and preferably praise for the lifestyle) I need from another human being. Family? Friends? They don't understand. I know I have a problem, but it's a problem I'm rather fond of, not one I wish a psychiatrist to "treat" me for. 

The life of an Ana girl is glamorous though. Everyone telling you "look how skinny you've gotten," "How do you do it?!" as you play coy and pretend you've just been exercising regularly. However, losing some weight means nothing when you started as a complete cow. Now I'm just a lesser cow I guess. 

The weird thing about this lifestyle, I've noticed I don't really get hungry. Not the typical stomach-growling hungry at least. Hunger truly is something you can turn off. The only time I feel hungry, I've noticed, is when I just crave food. But "a craving is only a feeling," a feeling which I will not give into until my goals are reached. 

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Calories:

• Lunch: 10 grapes = 34 calories, 1 cup watermelon = 46 calories, 1 cup coffee = 2 calories
• Snacks: unsweetened tea = 0 calories, 1 cup strawberry halves = 49
• Dinner: 5 grapes = 17 calories, 1 cup strawberry halves = 49 calories, 1/2 cup watermelon = 23 calories, 1 tsp. Tajin clasico seasoning = 4 calories 

Total: 224 

Not bad I guess. As long as it's under 300.