Indecision

Okay, lately I've been debating a lot about the lifestyle I want to live.

I know (it's obvious) that I have a major weight complex. But how far do I really want to let it run my life? Sometimes I think not eating is the answer. Other times, I lean to the more healthy route. But I do honestly believe being thin is more important than being healthy.

One change I've accepted is that I've started taking vitamins. All the basic essentials along with a multi vitamin. I know that's no substitute for eating, but every bit helps, right?

The other change is that I've been living the vegetarian lifestyle for the past four years. Now, I've started (though it's only been a few days) living life the vegan way. For those of you who don't know, vegetarians don't eat meat, but vegans don't eat ANY animal products (eggs, milk, cheese, etc.). I truly believe that this is the life I want.

But I don't want to die either. Obviously being vegan won't kill me, but I wonder if never eating will get to me after a while.

I need to improve my fruits/vegetables/water/coffee/tea diet plan. What can I do? Maybe instead of my strict garden salad, I'll add whole beans. Will that decrease my weight loss? Well, I guess as long as I lose, it's okay if I lose slowly.

I've noticed that a lot of the pro-ana blogs I follow accept a "healthy" lifestyle. But I want to be THIN, not just healthy and average weight. I'm already a healthy weight. I want to be fashionista skinny. Slightly underweight is the goal I want. Can you become underweight while still eating healthy?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

I'm always one with a plan. Never just spur of the moment. It's past 9, which means I need to think of a plan for tomorrow before I go to sleep. What to do?!

Hmm, maybe I'll just take it one meal at a time. Okay, here it goes.

Breakfast: apple slices, baby carrots and a cup of almond milk (small portions of course).
Lunch: grapes
Dinner: salad with tomatos, black beans and kidney beans. That's definitely more calories than my usual salad, but hey, my mom's been watching me like a hawk.

Constant supervision and being asked about your weight gets annoying. Especially the questioning. "Have you eaten today? You're not trying to lose MORE weight are you? I hope your not making yourself sick." Sometimes I feel like showting "NO, I HAVEN'T eaten! I'm anorexic! So?! Think I wanna be a fat cow like you for the rest of my life!?" But of course I know right where that would land me. Right in one of those comfy black chairs being questioned by some psychiatrist.

I have a problem. So what? I love my problem. I love being complimented about my size. Is that such a damn crime? I honestly don't give a fuck if it's socially acceptable. It's my life! Just be happy I'm not a slut or on drugs or pregnant!

Can't wait for school. Life on my own. Eat (or don't eat) whatever the hell I want.