Getting Back In The Game

The last time I had anything a psychologist would label "an eating disorder" was in middle school. That awkward phase. I lost a good 15 pounds one summer through a mixture of bulimia, anorexia and something I'd like to call "busyness." Since then, I've been living life completely hating who I was and what I looked like. Until now.

I'm more than determined to get back into the mindset I had that summer. Only better. Purging is never a good experience. Any ana girl will say the same, that puking is only a last resort. No food is worth the gagging, the headache, the awful taste in your mouth, and definitely not worth that feeling that you're going to get caught. That feeling that someone hears you and is more than ready to send you straight to a psych ward.

Anorexia has a very bad rep. Even I would agree that it is sometimes taken too far. Bones are beautiful, but once it extends past seeing the gorgeous hip bones, defining colar bone, and few delectable ribs, it begins to look sick. I don't believe one should live off of a glass of water a day. But don't get me wrong, the anorexic lifestyle is one I crave desperately.

The past, oh say, 2-3 months, I have reverted back to this glorious way of life. Living with only 15 to 20 grapes, limitless water and black coffee, occasional glass of juice; this is the only way I see myself truly living. I agree with this more than anything; "I am only beautiful when I'm hungry."

For some reason, the past 3 days have been hell, fighting with myself every moment of the day, deciding to eat, then forcing myself to purge (only finding it harder and harder each time, now nearing on impossible). How can I live the life I lived? Back to the ways I'm growing so desperate to remember, to love, and to manage. How can I live the life of a successful anorexic?

Seeing as the past few days have been all but successful, I can hope that tomorrow will be better. I will do better than hope. I will achieve.

Wrist bleeding from the torment of my failure, we shall see how tomorrow unfolds.