Ana Is Life

I'm not going to lie, I turned my back on Ana. Now, I fully regret it. Though I hope she welcomes me back into her arms with ease.

With my mom, family, boyfriend, everyone talking about how skinny I am (always adding "don't lose any more") I figured maybe it was time that I stopped. Now I realize how wrong I was. I can never go back to how life was before. And I'm glad. Since...forever, I was always adding on an occasional pound. those occasional pounds add up, very quickly by the way, and they got me to where I was and where I am now; feeling completely hideous, worthless, disgusting, a complete waste of space. Besides, what's this life without beauty?

Lately, I've been living life like a normal person. But I'm not a "normal" person. I'm an Ana girl. From now until the end. I need to not fight it. Not let other people's words affect my ways of thinking. I know what I want, too fucking bad if it's not what everyone else wants. I want to be 105. And I sure as hell will be.

Obviously by goal of 115 by the 27th is blown to hell. But hey, our failures only make our success more meaningful, no? Even if I am in the mid 20s, that's still better than I was before Ana. Ana is (without sounding too religious) my savior. I don't know where I would be without her. No, I do know where I'd be. Never wearing shorts, dresses, shirts that show my bare arms. I'd be in hell. Now, I'm back in hell. But I am more than desperate to escape this.

Ana, I am truly sorry. There's no doubt in my mind that this is my lifestyle and I can never go back on it. Never. Unless for some reason I stop caring about myself (which will never happen).

This full feeling is disgusting. More disgusting than purging (which I have been doing my fair share of lately). This feeling is the feeling of failure. Of disgust.

This is me. Ana and I are one. Forever and Always.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Take me back? I'm begging. I need to become thin. More than anything. I will die before I gain another fucking pound.

No more food. Food, without a doubt, is the enemy. My enemy. I hate it, I hate how it makes me feel. I am not doing this to myself anymore. I can't take this self hatred. I'm only beautiful when I'm hungry. I am more than prepared to live the rest of my life starving. I believe in salvation through starvation, it is true.

God, I can't even say the word "starvation" without feeling guilt. I'm not starving! I am more than full. Looks like I'm fasting until this feeling is gone. This horrid feeling. Salad, fruit, juice, diet coke, water. Water. Water. Back to 300 calories. Those were the good days weren't they?

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. I want to feel thin. I want to be thin. I will be thin.