That empty feeling is coming back. That amazingly empty feeling. I still feel the bloat of my recent failures, but that feeling of hollowness is so damn satisfying. The feeling that I am, and will forever be, an ana girl.
Surprisingly, the day wasn't torture. The first day is always my worse. After that, it's like "you've come this far, why quit now?"
The key to success? Keeping busy. Although the majority of my mind was set on success, on fulfilling my lifelong dream to be thin, on finally considering myself one of those skinny girls, I also stayed focused on keeping myself occupied. This however is proving to be a difficult task. It is summer. As a student, summer means long lasting days of boredom. There are ways around it though.
- Cleaning
- Bathing
- Napping
- Tanning
- Reading
- Crafting
These seem to be my favorites. It would be amazing to add "hanging out with friends" to that list, but you never really notice how food focused our lives are until you stop eating, especially when you live in a small town. Thank God for Starbucks. Nothing beats a chat with a friend along side a black coffee or iced green tea (unsweetened of course).
But there lies another problem. One ana rule is that your mind should always be on your diet. This is a rule I hold very dear but very subconsciously. I don't want my mind to be constantly pondering my daily calories, flashing pro-ana quotes, or contemplating the life of a skinny bitch, yet that is all I can think about. All I want to think about really. But who is there to talk to? It's no secret that most people find "not eating" as a psychological issue that needs to be dealt with rather than praised or desired. When you're searching for a topic of discussion, you often say what's on your mind, no? There lies the problem. No one (at least no true person I can go chat up Starbucks with) understands what I want and that I'm willing to sacrifice to achieve it.
Maybe once I reach my goal, once I'm set on maintaining rather than losing, maybe it'll be easier to think of something else. For now, however, there is nothing I care more about than becoming who I crave so desperately to be.
Hopefully my newly found motivation will keep me on the fast track to perfection.
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Notes:
- Stay busy
- Frequent pro-ana blogs and websites
- Think "every time you say 'no' to food, you say 'yes' to thin"
- Victoria's Secret models = inspiration
Calories:
- Breakfast: Fruit Salad (1/2 cup watermelon and pineapple, 5 grapes) = 69 calories
- Lunch: who needs 3 meals?!
- Dinner: 30 green grapes = 102 calories, 1/2 cup Naked Acai juice = 80 calories, 1 cup black coffee = 2 calories
Total: 253
Not bad but I still feel like that's too much. Cut back on the grapes dear.
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