Good Day

Today was a good day. Very good day. I don't know what I would have done if I had failed again. Probably would have gone into some deep depression and felt horrible about myself. Tomorrow needs to be a good day too. No more purging.

It's hard to stop a bad habit once you've started. Once you've got it in your mind that you can have as much of whatever as long as you spend plenty of time in the bathroom tomorrow. I actually found myself trying to talk me into a treat. I listened to my superego rather than my id. Now if I could just do that more often.

Believe it or not, this blog helps me a lot. The fact that I have to type everything I've eaten, my calories, my success and more importantly, my failure, it keeps the pressure on. Knowing that if I fail, it's no secret.

What to do for motivation? Every time I go the the fridge to peek at all the things that I can't have, instead of listening to that voice saying "you can have it, you know?" I just listen halfheartedly and grab my water bottle rather than the left-overs (which are looking more and more tempting).

I know what else I need to do to keep my eyes on the prize. I need to make my bracelet. The bracelet that confesses to all (knowing of the pro-ana culture) that I walk-the-walk. Having that constant reminder of where my loyalties lie (with Ana of course), I think that will help me focus and stop giving into petty little things that bring me more woe than pleasure.

Don't do anything today that you'll regret tomorrow


And that is just what I'm going to do. I'm going to renew my vows (metaphorically of course). Put all of myself into the arms of Ana. Every part of my essence. After all, what I crave more than any food is the taste of thin. The taste of true beauty and perfection.

My current mail goal? 115 by September 1st. I think I can achieve that. I know I can achieve that. Just live the lifestyle, day by day, pound after pound.

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Calories:

• Breakfast: 2 cup strawberries = 97 calories, 5 grapes = 17 calories

• Lunch: 1 cup milk = 80 calories, 1 cup coffee = 2 calories

• Dinner: 25 grapes = 85 calories

Total: 281

Not bad. I'm glad I'm eating almost all of my calories. Maybe up it tomorrow, still blacking out a little when I get up too quickly.

Success

Wow. This morning the scale said "120." Amazing. Ana, I love you.

What else do I love? This motivation!! I turned down ice cream. One of my favorite things ever (not to mention the easiest to puke up). I found myself saying in my mind "It's okay Haven. One bowl. You've been doing well haven't you? Besides, you know it'll all come up." But, surprisingly, I turned it down. I managed to listen to the sensible me. "Don't do anything today that you'll regret tomorrow."

Though I do have a deal with myself. If I can continue this good note past tomorrow (I'm going out so it'll be a challenge) then I can treat myself to a hearty bowl of ice cream. Gotta live a little, right? Besides, it is the easiest thing to vomit (plus it still tastes pretty good if you purge soon enough).

Each day is a step towards perfection

Motivation. Turning your hunger off for the greater good. For thin. Thin. The thing I truly crave, even more than ice cream.

Unfortunately, even with the decent weight loss, I don't feel any better about myself. It'll just take a few more pounds I guess. 15 pounds to be exact. Then I'll stop. I'll simply maintain.

Maintenance. I still don't know exactly how to go about that when I'm content with myself. Do weight loss pills speed up your metabolism? Because we all know about that stupid "starvation mode" your body goes into after not eating. I just need a way to speed up my metabolism...

Maybe I'll just eat a healthy, nutritious meal once every day. Every other day at first. Then, if I gain a pound, I'll just have to be perfectly good again. But hey, that's 15 pounds from now.

15 pounds. I remember when my goal was 135. Then 120. Of course, those were simply my stepping-stone goals. Each leading to my main goal. Perfection. Then again I'm only assuming perfection is at 105. No way in hell am I going any lower. Then I'll know Ana dear is messing with my mind, constantly morphing the reflection in the mirror.

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Calories:

• Lunch: 1/2 cup watermelon = 23 calories, 1/2 cup pineapple = 37, 1 cup strawberries = 49 calories, 5 grapes = 17 calories

• Snacks: Trident gum = 4 calories

• Dinner: 20 oz bottle diet Dr. Pepper = 0 calories, 1/2 cup watermelon = 23 calories, 1/2 cup pineapple = 37, 1 cup strawberries = 49 calories, 5 grapes = 17 calories

Total: 256

Not bad. Honestly, should be eating your full 300. Dizziness is not fun. 

Hey Ana, It's Me, Haven

Today was a good day.

That empty feeling is coming back. That amazingly empty feeling. I still feel the bloat of my recent failures, but that feeling of hollowness is so damn satisfying. The feeling that I am, and will forever be, an ana girl.

Surprisingly, the day wasn't torture. The first day is always my worse. After that, it's like "you've come this far, why quit now?"

The key to success? Keeping busy. Although the majority of my mind was set on success, on fulfilling my lifelong dream to be thin, on finally considering myself one of those skinny girls, I also stayed focused on keeping myself occupied. This however is proving to be a difficult task. It is summer. As a student, summer means long lasting days of boredom. There are ways around it though.

• Cleaning
• Bathing
• Napping
• Tanning
• Reading
• Crafting

These seem to be my favorites. It would be amazing to add "hanging out with friends" to that list, but you never really notice how food focused our lives are until you stop eating, especially when you live in a small town. Thank God for Starbucks. Nothing beats a chat with a friend along side a black coffee or iced green tea (unsweetened of course). 

But there lies another problem. One ana rule is that your mind should always be on your diet. This is a rule I hold very dear but very subconsciously. I don't want my mind to be constantly pondering my daily calories, flashing pro-ana quotes, or contemplating the life of a skinny bitch, yet that is all I can think about. All I want to think about really. But who is there to talk to? It's no secret that most people find "not eating" as a psychological issue that needs to be dealt with rather than praised or desired. When you're searching for a topic of discussion, you often say what's on your mind, no? There lies the problem. No one (at least no true person I can go chat up Starbucks with) understands what I want and that I'm willing to sacrifice to achieve it. 

Maybe once I reach my goal, once I'm set on maintaining rather than losing, maybe it'll be easier to think of something else. For now, however, there is nothing I care more about than becoming who I crave so desperately to be. 

Hopefully my newly found motivation will keep me on the fast track to perfection. 

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Notes: 

• Stay busy
• Frequent pro-ana blogs and websites
• Think "every time you say 'no' to food, you say 'yes' to thin"
• Victoria's Secret models = inspiration

Calories:

• Breakfast: Fruit Salad (1/2 cup watermelon and pineapple, 5 grapes) = 69 calories
• Lunch: who needs 3 meals?!
• Dinner: 30 green grapes = 102 calories, 1/2 cup Naked Acai juice = 80 calories, 1 cup black coffee = 2 calories

Total: 253 

Not bad but I still feel like that's too much. Cut back on the grapes dear.

Getting Back In The Game

The last time I had anything a psychologist would label "an eating disorder" was in middle school. That awkward phase. I lost a good 15 pounds one summer through a mixture of bulimia, anorexia and something I'd like to call "busyness." Since then, I've been living life completely hating who I was and what I looked like. Until now.

I'm more than determined to get back into the mindset I had that summer. Only better. Purging is never a good experience. Any ana girl will say the same, that puking is only a last resort. No food is worth the gagging, the headache, the awful taste in your mouth, and definitely not worth that feeling that you're going to get caught. That feeling that someone hears you and is more than ready to send you straight to a psych ward.

Anorexia has a very bad rep. Even I would agree that it is sometimes taken too far. Bones are beautiful, but once it extends past seeing the gorgeous hip bones, defining colar bone, and few delectable ribs, it begins to look sick. I don't believe one should live off of a glass of water a day. But don't get me wrong, the anorexic lifestyle is one I crave desperately.

The past, oh say, 2-3 months, I have reverted back to this glorious way of life. Living with only 15 to 20 grapes, limitless water and black coffee, occasional glass of juice; this is the only way I see myself truly living. I agree with this more than anything; "I am only beautiful when I'm hungry."

For some reason, the past 3 days have been hell, fighting with myself every moment of the day, deciding to eat, then forcing myself to purge (only finding it harder and harder each time, now nearing on impossible). How can I live the life I lived? Back to the ways I'm growing so desperate to remember, to love, and to manage. How can I live the life of a successful anorexic?

Seeing as the past few days have been all but successful, I can hope that tomorrow will be better. I will do better than hope. I will achieve.

Wrist bleeding from the torment of my failure, we shall see how tomorrow unfolds.