Indecision

Okay, lately I've been debating a lot about the lifestyle I want to live.

I know (it's obvious) that I have a major weight complex. But how far do I really want to let it run my life? Sometimes I think not eating is the answer. Other times, I lean to the more healthy route. But I do honestly believe being thin is more important than being healthy.

One change I've accepted is that I've started taking vitamins. All the basic essentials along with a multi vitamin. I know that's no substitute for eating, but every bit helps, right?

The other change is that I've been living the vegetarian lifestyle for the past four years. Now, I've started (though it's only been a few days) living life the vegan way. For those of you who don't know, vegetarians don't eat meat, but vegans don't eat ANY animal products (eggs, milk, cheese, etc.). I truly believe that this is the life I want.

But I don't want to die either. Obviously being vegan won't kill me, but I wonder if never eating will get to me after a while.

I need to improve my fruits/vegetables/water/coffee/tea diet plan. What can I do? Maybe instead of my strict garden salad, I'll add whole beans. Will that decrease my weight loss? Well, I guess as long as I lose, it's okay if I lose slowly.

I've noticed that a lot of the pro-ana blogs I follow accept a "healthy" lifestyle. But I want to be THIN, not just healthy and average weight. I'm already a healthy weight. I want to be fashionista skinny. Slightly underweight is the goal I want. Can you become underweight while still eating healthy?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

I'm always one with a plan. Never just spur of the moment. It's past 9, which means I need to think of a plan for tomorrow before I go to sleep. What to do?!

Hmm, maybe I'll just take it one meal at a time. Okay, here it goes.

Breakfast: apple slices, baby carrots and a cup of almond milk (small portions of course).
Lunch: grapes
Dinner: salad with tomatos, black beans and kidney beans. That's definitely more calories than my usual salad, but hey, my mom's been watching me like a hawk.

Constant supervision and being asked about your weight gets annoying. Especially the questioning. "Have you eaten today? You're not trying to lose MORE weight are you? I hope your not making yourself sick." Sometimes I feel like showting "NO, I HAVEN'T eaten! I'm anorexic! So?! Think I wanna be a fat cow like you for the rest of my life!?" But of course I know right where that would land me. Right in one of those comfy black chairs being questioned by some psychiatrist.

I have a problem. So what? I love my problem. I love being complimented about my size. Is that such a damn crime? I honestly don't give a fuck if it's socially acceptable. It's my life! Just be happy I'm not a slut or on drugs or pregnant!

Can't wait for school. Life on my own. Eat (or don't eat) whatever the hell I want.

Ana Is Life

I'm not going to lie, I turned my back on Ana. Now, I fully regret it. Though I hope she welcomes me back into her arms with ease.

With my mom, family, boyfriend, everyone talking about how skinny I am (always adding "don't lose any more") I figured maybe it was time that I stopped. Now I realize how wrong I was. I can never go back to how life was before. And I'm glad. Since...forever, I was always adding on an occasional pound. those occasional pounds add up, very quickly by the way, and they got me to where I was and where I am now; feeling completely hideous, worthless, disgusting, a complete waste of space. Besides, what's this life without beauty?

Lately, I've been living life like a normal person. But I'm not a "normal" person. I'm an Ana girl. From now until the end. I need to not fight it. Not let other people's words affect my ways of thinking. I know what I want, too fucking bad if it's not what everyone else wants. I want to be 105. And I sure as hell will be.

Obviously by goal of 115 by the 27th is blown to hell. But hey, our failures only make our success more meaningful, no? Even if I am in the mid 20s, that's still better than I was before Ana. Ana is (without sounding too religious) my savior. I don't know where I would be without her. No, I do know where I'd be. Never wearing shorts, dresses, shirts that show my bare arms. I'd be in hell. Now, I'm back in hell. But I am more than desperate to escape this.

Ana, I am truly sorry. There's no doubt in my mind that this is my lifestyle and I can never go back on it. Never. Unless for some reason I stop caring about myself (which will never happen).

This full feeling is disgusting. More disgusting than purging (which I have been doing my fair share of lately). This feeling is the feeling of failure. Of disgust.

This is me. Ana and I are one. Forever and Always.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Take me back? I'm begging. I need to become thin. More than anything. I will die before I gain another fucking pound.

No more food. Food, without a doubt, is the enemy. My enemy. I hate it, I hate how it makes me feel. I am not doing this to myself anymore. I can't take this self hatred. I'm only beautiful when I'm hungry. I am more than prepared to live the rest of my life starving. I believe in salvation through starvation, it is true.

God, I can't even say the word "starvation" without feeling guilt. I'm not starving! I am more than full. Looks like I'm fasting until this feeling is gone. This horrid feeling. Salad, fruit, juice, diet coke, water. Water. Water. Back to 300 calories. Those were the good days weren't they?

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. I want to feel thin. I want to be thin. I will be thin.

Back In The Lower 20s

Thank Ana these last few days have been good.

Yesterday turned out better than I had expected. I was actually really low on calories (only had 121 calories) all because I stuck to my plan. Salad! I need to not go that low again though. I woke up this morning feeling like shit! I thought I was going to pass out (obviously I didn't).

I decided to over shoot my calories today though because I'm used to blacking out, but not blacking out for more than 5 seconds.

Calories aside, today was a very good day. Not to mention I found almond milk that was 40 calories a cup rather than 60. Every calorie counts.

I think this whole thing will get easier once I'm more occupied. Right now, sitting around the house (under the watchful eye of my family), it's really difficult to manage not eating real meals. Tonight, again, pretending to sleep. Stupid dinner. Once I'm out of here though and in school, it'll be super easy. I'll be busy with my studies and the meal plan I got only covers 12 meals a week (but the campus offers stuff like fruits and vegetables luckily) and other than that I can just drink my juice and go on about my pro ana ways.

I can't wait to get out of here. So sick of the family mentioning how skinny I am (which is still far from skinny) and talking about how they never see me eat.

I'm going someplace where no one cares if you eat or not! Which is great because I'm planning on reaching my goal and maintaining for the rest of my life. I'm really looking forward to when I can just maintain. Then I can up my calories and maybe eat REAL food (not juice, milk, or fruit) once every week or so. I'm looking forward to that freedom, though I'm totally prepared to fast if I gain so much as a pound. I'm not going back to where I was (and still am); a fat cow.

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Calories:

• Breakfast: 5 grapes = 17 calories, 1 1/2 cup Silk almond milk = 90 calories, 1 cup watermelon = 46 calories.

• Lunch: 1 cup watermelon = 46 calories, 1 cup Simply Orange = 110 calories

• Dinner: 1 cup strawberries = 49 calories

• Snacks: 1 cup Blue Diamond almond milk = 40 calories

Total: 398

Damn I ate a lot. I need to get back to only 300 calories tomorrow. I hope I still lost weight (I've been losing 2 every good day).

One Day Closer (to thin)

Today was a perfect day. Surrounded by temptation but I stayed strong. I'm going to remain strong.

Hopefully, since I did the whole metabolism-boost thing, I lose two pounds today (since it was absolutely perfect). Hopefully I'm a step closer to what I want to be.

My doodad. Sort of like keeping a rosary with you.

The scale almost killed me today. 126. That's 6 pounds over what I was. It doesn't help that where I was was no where near what I wanted to be. Now I'm even further from my goal. At least I'm guilt free today. I just kept my mind on my diet and flashed Ana quotes over and over in my mind.

Eat Less, Weigh Less


That's what has been on my mind a lot. Keeping my eyes on the prize. The ultimate prize. Thin. Perfection.

Let's see, 126. That means I have (not counting today) 8 days to lose 11 pounds. If I stay completely perfect, 11 pounds is perfectly attainable. I just need to focus and stay focused. Food is the enemy, remember that.

I honestly don't get how I fail so awesome. Food tastes great, but the quote really is true. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. So why do I constantly fail? I know why, I lose focus on what I really want, more than ice cream, more than cake, more than chips. I want to be thin. And I will be. Every day is a new day, and I'm focused on making every day a Good Day. A perfect day.

Tomorrow is going to be difficult. Beach trip with people. Someone (I know who too) will take notice to the fact that I don't eat. But it's okay, I've got this. Game Plan: eat salad, just salad. Salad (when necessary) and nothing else but water. I know I can do this. I need to do this. If not, I'll just be fat forever. Look at those thighs Haven.

Fuck food. The scale is everything.

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Calories:

• Lunch: 10 grapes = 34 calories, 2 cup almond milk = 120 calories

• Dinner: 1 cup Simply Orange = 110 calories, 5 grapes = 17 calories

Total: 281

Excellent. 

FML

Sorry for the profanity, but seriously, fuck my life. Where the fuck did my motivation go?! I used to (back when I was on a total weight loss binge) only eat when it was socially necessary. NOW?! I eat when I'm completely alone! Wtf!?

God this sucks. Ana, where are you?! Help me through this. I feel like shit all the time and I can't seem to keep control.

It would help if there was someone who could help me pull through. Someone to keep me strong. But NO, I'M ALL ALONE! And it fucking sucks.

Where was my weakness today? Cake mix. A 10th of a packet is like 200 calories. WTF did I do to myself!

I need to see 115 by August 27.... I NEED this. Any suggestions on what to do for motivation? I don't want to hurt myself again. Though honestly I'd rather feel a knife to my wrist than my finger down my throat. Gagging myself over and over because I have absolutely no motivation right now....

What can I possibly do? I need help.

Let's see, maybe if I make a chick in a bikini my background for my phone.... and maybe a rubber band on my wrist (snap it every time I think of giving into food). I NEED to see 115... and now I only have 9 days.... and I probably gained a pound today....

Okay, I'm off food. The glorious empty feeling is gone. Replaced by the horrid bloat of food. Why the hell do I eat if it makes me feel this way? I feel completely ugly and fat. A complete cow. I want to lie in bed and just lie there until I waste away. Waste away to my dream of beauty. 105 may be the big picture, but right now, I'm focusing on 115 (in NINE days!). I can't be ugly for this.... I can't live another day in this hideous body. These fat thighs, huge gut, I don't know what to do!

No, I know what to do...STOP EATING YOU FAT COW! You want to be beautiful don't you?! You want to love yourself DON'T YOU!?

Get some respect for yourself and put down the food.

I've got an idea for weight loss and severe punishment for my latest sins; water. Just water for the next 9 days. If I can stick to it, I'll reach my goal. If not, I'm destined to be a fat chick for the rest of my life. You don't want to be fat for the rest of your life do you Haven? NO!

God I need a community. People that can help. People to motivate. People to tell me I'm a fat cow and I need to stop eating. Food sucks, stop loving it! Seriously, it lasts like five seconds, then you're just feeling like shit for the rest of the day.

Disaster

Ugh, let's hope I get back on the wagon soon. Tomorrow is another day, another opportunity for success (rather than my recent failure).

Let's also hope I never plateau again, at least not until I'm at my comfy weight of 105.

The scale is the most brutal judge ever. More than anything and anyone. It tells it as it is and isn't afraid to make you cry and completely hate yourself and everything you are. 125. That's the damage. 5 pounds. Damn. How the hell do you even gain that in a matter of two days?

But it's okay, I was losing 2 pounds a day when I dieted perfectly, no? I'll have the weight off in no time. Current goal: 115 by August 27. That's ten pounds in about ten days. All I need to do is be perfect. If I cheat, cheat with a large salad.

On another note, I think I'm going to stop calorie counting. It was always too much pressure. Maybe if I feel like I can eat (aka juice, milk, fruit) all I want, then I'll have more luck not completely blowing it. Besides, 500-600 calories a day truly isn't bad. Hopefully I still get my level of weight loss though. If not, I can always go back to counting my usual 300 calories, as miserable as it was.

115 by August 27. It's engraved in my mind, exactly as it should be. This one simple goal. If I can do this, I can do anything.

Haven, when you get the urge to cheat, look down at your wrist. You declared your alliance to Ana, the perfect lifestyle of a perfect body. Don't misplace your loyalties.

No to food, yes to thin. You must become thin.

Plateau?

The worse thing about changing your lifestyle: when the "change" becomes "normal" and stops working. I went three days, perfectly perfect (as far as diet is concerned) and didn't lose a pound.

I figured I had plateaued.

Off to Google I was. One way to fix a plateau was to eat only fruits and vegetables because they keep the digestive system running on fewer calories. Bad thing was, that's what I've been doing. I guess that's how I lost a good 40 pounds without hitting this problem. Another suggestion was to eat normally (1200 to 1500 calories).

The only problem with this was that, even though you know you have to do it, the guilt still gets to you. Not to mention the fact that your stomach isn't used to food like it used to be. What was supposed to be a one-day speed bump turned into a two-day disaster. Day one, I ate normally, but unwillingly vomited most of it out. My stomach was torn apart. I figured that didn't count as a normal day.

Day two went a LOT better, though I think I skipped dinner out of habit.

The past two days, I've been sticking to my usual diet of 300 calories a day.

Even though I've been good, I'm terrified to look at the scale. I don't want to know the damage those two days did. After the days, weeks of dieting, I'm not about to find out exactly how many days were wasted. Maybe tomorrow I'll look at the scale.... Maybe not. Maybe the next day.

On the plus side, I made my bracelet. Stay focused, stay strong.

STAY STRONG, STARVE ON

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Calories:

• Lunch: 2 cups almond milk = 120 calories, 5 grapes = 17 calories

• Dinner: 1 cup Acai juice = 100 calories, 15 grapes = 51

Total: 288

Good Day

Today was a good day. Very good day. I don't know what I would have done if I had failed again. Probably would have gone into some deep depression and felt horrible about myself. Tomorrow needs to be a good day too. No more purging.

It's hard to stop a bad habit once you've started. Once you've got it in your mind that you can have as much of whatever as long as you spend plenty of time in the bathroom tomorrow. I actually found myself trying to talk me into a treat. I listened to my superego rather than my id. Now if I could just do that more often.

Believe it or not, this blog helps me a lot. The fact that I have to type everything I've eaten, my calories, my success and more importantly, my failure, it keeps the pressure on. Knowing that if I fail, it's no secret.

What to do for motivation? Every time I go the the fridge to peek at all the things that I can't have, instead of listening to that voice saying "you can have it, you know?" I just listen halfheartedly and grab my water bottle rather than the left-overs (which are looking more and more tempting).

I know what else I need to do to keep my eyes on the prize. I need to make my bracelet. The bracelet that confesses to all (knowing of the pro-ana culture) that I walk-the-walk. Having that constant reminder of where my loyalties lie (with Ana of course), I think that will help me focus and stop giving into petty little things that bring me more woe than pleasure.

Don't do anything today that you'll regret tomorrow


And that is just what I'm going to do. I'm going to renew my vows (metaphorically of course). Put all of myself into the arms of Ana. Every part of my essence. After all, what I crave more than any food is the taste of thin. The taste of true beauty and perfection.

My current mail goal? 115 by September 1st. I think I can achieve that. I know I can achieve that. Just live the lifestyle, day by day, pound after pound.

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Calories:

• Breakfast: 2 cup strawberries = 97 calories, 5 grapes = 17 calories

• Lunch: 1 cup milk = 80 calories, 1 cup coffee = 2 calories

• Dinner: 25 grapes = 85 calories

Total: 281

Not bad. I'm glad I'm eating almost all of my calories. Maybe up it tomorrow, still blacking out a little when I get up too quickly.

Fail Fail Fail!

Ugh!! I don't think I even want to go into detail about the past two days. Long story short, I went from 120 to 121 (weight taken yesterday morning and this morning). Obvious to say I am not very happy with the one pound gain.

Though I know exactly how it happened. Food happened. The ultimate enemy. I don't know where I got the bright idea that I can eat whatever I want as long as I puke it out. I know (in the back of my mind) that I NEVER end up getting it all up! Yet what do I do? I eat like a cow then torture myself with half hour purging which always end the same way; me ending up with a major headache and a numb finger that won't move another inch.

Where did my motivation go? I know. I lose control, then once it's lost, it's LOST! One day of purging (family dinner) and suddenly I think food is okay. Well you know what Haven dear, IT DAMN WELL ISN'T!

Even today, I woke up thinking "you know you've gained a pound so today better be a good day." Yet as soon as I get up, I treat myself to a bowl of ice cream and cereal. AH! Listen to the voice in your head saying "don't do it." You know you'll just end up regretting it!

Well no more! I'm done with purging (except under necessity of course).

What really kills me is that I was on such a good streak, losing two pounds a day. One day of failure and it all goes down the drain.

But no more. I promise.

Gaining and purging causes too much pain, physical and mental.

Lose = Life, Gain = Death


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Calories:

• Breakfast: PURGED! stick of gum = 4 calories

• Lunch: 1 cup strawberries = 49 calories, 1/2 cup watermelon = 23 calories, 5 grapes = 17 calories, .3 cup pineapple = 19 calories

• Dinner: 20 grapes = 68 calories, 2 tomatos = 70 calories

Total: 250

Be good and stop relying on purging damn it.

Success

Wow. This morning the scale said "120." Amazing. Ana, I love you.

What else do I love? This motivation!! I turned down ice cream. One of my favorite things ever (not to mention the easiest to puke up). I found myself saying in my mind "It's okay Haven. One bowl. You've been doing well haven't you? Besides, you know it'll all come up." But, surprisingly, I turned it down. I managed to listen to the sensible me. "Don't do anything today that you'll regret tomorrow."

Though I do have a deal with myself. If I can continue this good note past tomorrow (I'm going out so it'll be a challenge) then I can treat myself to a hearty bowl of ice cream. Gotta live a little, right? Besides, it is the easiest thing to vomit (plus it still tastes pretty good if you purge soon enough).

Each day is a step towards perfection

Motivation. Turning your hunger off for the greater good. For thin. Thin. The thing I truly crave, even more than ice cream.

Unfortunately, even with the decent weight loss, I don't feel any better about myself. It'll just take a few more pounds I guess. 15 pounds to be exact. Then I'll stop. I'll simply maintain.

Maintenance. I still don't know exactly how to go about that when I'm content with myself. Do weight loss pills speed up your metabolism? Because we all know about that stupid "starvation mode" your body goes into after not eating. I just need a way to speed up my metabolism...

Maybe I'll just eat a healthy, nutritious meal once every day. Every other day at first. Then, if I gain a pound, I'll just have to be perfectly good again. But hey, that's 15 pounds from now.

15 pounds. I remember when my goal was 135. Then 120. Of course, those were simply my stepping-stone goals. Each leading to my main goal. Perfection. Then again I'm only assuming perfection is at 105. No way in hell am I going any lower. Then I'll know Ana dear is messing with my mind, constantly morphing the reflection in the mirror.

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Calories:

• Lunch: 1/2 cup watermelon = 23 calories, 1/2 cup pineapple = 37, 1 cup strawberries = 49 calories, 5 grapes = 17 calories

• Snacks: Trident gum = 4 calories

• Dinner: 20 oz bottle diet Dr. Pepper = 0 calories, 1/2 cup watermelon = 23 calories, 1/2 cup pineapple = 37, 1 cup strawberries = 49 calories, 5 grapes = 17 calories

Total: 256

Not bad. Honestly, should be eating your full 300. Dizziness is not fun. 

Too Skinny??

Ironic. Right after I write a blog saying that I can only lose a pound a day with Ana, I get on the scale in the morning and it says "122." Definitely not complaining, but I just thought it was funny. I guess my body knows I'm sick of being fat and will put it through hell to get what I want. I know I'm going to be sad in the morning though when the scale gives me the bad news.

I had to purge today.

I hate vomiting. Worse feeling ever. Luckily, soon I'll be moving out, moving where no one cares if you eat dinner or not. Can't wait to control my life (and more importantly, my eating habits).

This is NOT hot

Family Dinner = My Worse Enemy

Not to mention, my mom called me "too skinny" today and gave me the you-better-not-be-doing-anything-weird-to-get-skinny talk. It was hard to look her in the eyes and tell her that I don't have a problem.

That's what it is, isn't it? A problem? But it's a problem I am in no hurry to get rid of. It's a problem that makes me happy. I can't remember the last time I felt this good about myself (not counting today, even though I'm sure I got most of food out). I was 138 in middle school, almost 160 earlier this year. Now, I'm 122! And who do I have to thank? The one and only Ana. If it wasn't for her, I'd still be hating who I was.

Yes, I am different than most anorexics. I don't look in the mirror and see a fat cow. I see a relatively slim girl. I just know I could be better. I still have meat on my thighs and a line below my belly button (the dreaded "gut"). And I know what "too skinny" is. I'm no dummy. I love my bones, but no way would I make it so I have absolutely NO breasts or hips and have every rib protruding from my withering body.

I'm not insane. I just know perfection.

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Calories:

• Lunch: 1/2 cup watermelon = 23 calories, 1/2 cup strawberries = 24 calories
• Snacks: 1 cup nonfat milk = 86 calories, 20 grapes = 68 calories
• Dinner: Purged

Total: 201

Who knows how much I left in my stomach (even though my finger was down my throat for half an hour). We'll see how well Mia works for me when I step on the scale tomorrow morning.... 

Battle Against The Scale

Not eating is easy. Coping with the empty feeling is easy. Pretending that you aren't constantly tempted by food is easy. What's not easy? Waiting for the scale to tell you what you oh so desperately want to hear. 

The most I can lose with my diet is a pound a day, which is definitely not something to complain about. But right now, standing at 125 pounds, 20 pounds away from my goal, is difficult to bear. Keep your eyes on the prize, right? The hard thing is, even if I continue my diet perfectly, 20 pounds is still approximately 20 days away. 

Maybe I'm being impatient. Most people would kill to lose a pound a day. I, however, step on the scale each morning (now that me and Ana are close friends again) hoping to see "105." Obviously that's impossible, seeing that losing 20 pounds in one day is ridiculous (without the help of a doctor of course). But it's what I want. 

Oh well. As long as I don't gain, right? On a positive note, 125 is far less than a weight nearing 160 which I was at. 

Life with Ana is a love hate relationship. Scale vs. Me vs. Emptiness. 

The emptiness however has two meanings. The positive one is where your stomach is empty and sucked up. That's the feeling I love. The feeling that makes me feel beautiful. The other meaning is the emptiness I feel when I can't go to dinner with my friends, eat with my family, enjoy a bowl of popcorn for movie night. That's the emptiness that tears me to pieces. Today, I had to "nap" during dinner. Purging is not something I wanted to do when I'm already suffering a terrible headache. Also, the emptiness I feel craving the compassion and understanding (and preferably praise for the lifestyle) I need from another human being. Family? Friends? They don't understand. I know I have a problem, but it's a problem I'm rather fond of, not one I wish a psychiatrist to "treat" me for. 

The life of an Ana girl is glamorous though. Everyone telling you "look how skinny you've gotten," "How do you do it?!" as you play coy and pretend you've just been exercising regularly. However, losing some weight means nothing when you started as a complete cow. Now I'm just a lesser cow I guess. 

The weird thing about this lifestyle, I've noticed I don't really get hungry. Not the typical stomach-growling hungry at least. Hunger truly is something you can turn off. The only time I feel hungry, I've noticed, is when I just crave food. But "a craving is only a feeling," a feeling which I will not give into until my goals are reached. 

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Calories:

• Lunch: 10 grapes = 34 calories, 1 cup watermelon = 46 calories, 1 cup coffee = 2 calories
• Snacks: unsweetened tea = 0 calories, 1 cup strawberry halves = 49
• Dinner: 5 grapes = 17 calories, 1 cup strawberry halves = 49 calories, 1/2 cup watermelon = 23 calories, 1 tsp. Tajin clasico seasoning = 4 calories 

Total: 224 

Not bad I guess. As long as it's under 300. 

Hey Ana, It's Me, Haven

Today was a good day.

That empty feeling is coming back. That amazingly empty feeling. I still feel the bloat of my recent failures, but that feeling of hollowness is so damn satisfying. The feeling that I am, and will forever be, an ana girl.

Surprisingly, the day wasn't torture. The first day is always my worse. After that, it's like "you've come this far, why quit now?"

The key to success? Keeping busy. Although the majority of my mind was set on success, on fulfilling my lifelong dream to be thin, on finally considering myself one of those skinny girls, I also stayed focused on keeping myself occupied. This however is proving to be a difficult task. It is summer. As a student, summer means long lasting days of boredom. There are ways around it though.

• Cleaning
• Bathing
• Napping
• Tanning
• Reading
• Crafting

These seem to be my favorites. It would be amazing to add "hanging out with friends" to that list, but you never really notice how food focused our lives are until you stop eating, especially when you live in a small town. Thank God for Starbucks. Nothing beats a chat with a friend along side a black coffee or iced green tea (unsweetened of course). 

But there lies another problem. One ana rule is that your mind should always be on your diet. This is a rule I hold very dear but very subconsciously. I don't want my mind to be constantly pondering my daily calories, flashing pro-ana quotes, or contemplating the life of a skinny bitch, yet that is all I can think about. All I want to think about really. But who is there to talk to? It's no secret that most people find "not eating" as a psychological issue that needs to be dealt with rather than praised or desired. When you're searching for a topic of discussion, you often say what's on your mind, no? There lies the problem. No one (at least no true person I can go chat up Starbucks with) understands what I want and that I'm willing to sacrifice to achieve it. 

Maybe once I reach my goal, once I'm set on maintaining rather than losing, maybe it'll be easier to think of something else. For now, however, there is nothing I care more about than becoming who I crave so desperately to be. 

Hopefully my newly found motivation will keep me on the fast track to perfection. 

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Notes: 

• Stay busy
• Frequent pro-ana blogs and websites
• Think "every time you say 'no' to food, you say 'yes' to thin"
• Victoria's Secret models = inspiration

Calories:

• Breakfast: Fruit Salad (1/2 cup watermelon and pineapple, 5 grapes) = 69 calories
• Lunch: who needs 3 meals?!
• Dinner: 30 green grapes = 102 calories, 1/2 cup Naked Acai juice = 80 calories, 1 cup black coffee = 2 calories

Total: 253 

Not bad but I still feel like that's too much. Cut back on the grapes dear.

Getting Back In The Game

The last time I had anything a psychologist would label "an eating disorder" was in middle school. That awkward phase. I lost a good 15 pounds one summer through a mixture of bulimia, anorexia and something I'd like to call "busyness." Since then, I've been living life completely hating who I was and what I looked like. Until now.

I'm more than determined to get back into the mindset I had that summer. Only better. Purging is never a good experience. Any ana girl will say the same, that puking is only a last resort. No food is worth the gagging, the headache, the awful taste in your mouth, and definitely not worth that feeling that you're going to get caught. That feeling that someone hears you and is more than ready to send you straight to a psych ward.

Anorexia has a very bad rep. Even I would agree that it is sometimes taken too far. Bones are beautiful, but once it extends past seeing the gorgeous hip bones, defining colar bone, and few delectable ribs, it begins to look sick. I don't believe one should live off of a glass of water a day. But don't get me wrong, the anorexic lifestyle is one I crave desperately.

The past, oh say, 2-3 months, I have reverted back to this glorious way of life. Living with only 15 to 20 grapes, limitless water and black coffee, occasional glass of juice; this is the only way I see myself truly living. I agree with this more than anything; "I am only beautiful when I'm hungry."

For some reason, the past 3 days have been hell, fighting with myself every moment of the day, deciding to eat, then forcing myself to purge (only finding it harder and harder each time, now nearing on impossible). How can I live the life I lived? Back to the ways I'm growing so desperate to remember, to love, and to manage. How can I live the life of a successful anorexic?

Seeing as the past few days have been all but successful, I can hope that tomorrow will be better. I will do better than hope. I will achieve.

Wrist bleeding from the torment of my failure, we shall see how tomorrow unfolds.